We had dinner at a fancy cafe. I had been missing her, and it was the first time we met after a period of time that felt like eternity. The place was dominantly furnished with chairs and table made out of wood, whose texture was purposely exposed and then crowned with varnish. And although the lights were dimmed, it was enough for the glossy surface of the table constructed hazy reflections of our faces. Her giggles immediately pulled away my attention from the surroundings. She was sitting comfortably to my left and letting her back open like a sitting duck for my eyes to roam. Her sleeveless little white dress was tailored, hence fitted perfectly and fell just above her knees. A belt, made from the same fabric as her dress, wrapped her waist precisely. Soon enough, mutual longing spoke silent language of romance when she slid her back to meet my left chest. I swayed my left arm from the comfort bear of our seat rest to her waist. My fingers slowly grazed her belt inch by inch, from the left towards the opposite end. I remember the linen had an “old world” feel to it, thus complemented her hairstyle just fine. Unraveled, shoulder length, wavy, and dark colored; those locks transmitted an irresistible flowery scent unto my nose. I leaned down my head, closed my eyes, and softly touched them with my lips. When I reopened my eyes, suddenly the room was as dark as the night. I knew I was no longer in that cafe with her when the block patterns on the ceiling became more and more familiar. In the shadows of my bedroom, I realized that it was only a dream.
Today was finally here, my first day in a new job. Unfortunately, my new boss was out of the office for a whole day budget meeting. So, that left me with nothing to do until it was time to go home. I found joblessness awkward, since I used to instantly fully function right from the moment I turned on my laptop. But I guess it was not the case today. What also awkward was hearing the HR staff mentioned my full name for more than thirty consecutive times when she introduced me to everybody from one cubicle to another this morning. However, come to think it again now, it is not so bad compared to the last one month before I had my last day on earlier job. During that thirty day period, there were times when I only wanted to drown myself in anything I did with my laptop in front of me. Whether it was making presentations for the next marketing initiatives or just downloading the latest hipster music I found on YouTube. It was a defense mechanism that I built to suppress the constant fights that had been happening inside my head.
Each strike made me uncertain and each round was more tiring than the previous. That was a glimpse of how my mind engaged the anxiety when deciding to move to current workplace. Yet I think it was within reason. I contributed five years and eight months of my professional life towards the previous company. The first three years was spent in marketing research department, while the last two years and eight months was in marketing. Along those years I made achievements, gained respect, and eventually built credibility in both roles that I was trusted in. But aside from career, another thing that I considered precious was finding great colleagues that accepted my strengths and flaws, also my highs and lows. That amenity favored me in saying and sharing anything freely, hence crushing the cubicle walls and position difference that restrained me from doing so. In short, the work and people altogether made me feel like having a home beyond home. Consequently, I progressively grew in both intellectual and ability. But in the end, it was that same homey feeling which veiled me from reality. I did not realize that after years of residency, I finally outgrew the soil where I rooted daily from 8 to 5.
Although it took me a while to wake up, I immediately searched for another potential ground that could accommodate my growth further. An offer came in the form of a text message from a friend who referred me to a vacancy at his previous company. He told me that one of Indonesia’s reputable companies was looking for a Brand Manager for its international business. To my understanding, the position promised a promotion, expanded responsibilities and learnings, and lastly, global business trips! Reasonably, there was no reason to miss that opportunity, hence I ventured his offer and went through all the process. Unexpectedly, it went so smooth that I signed the deal within one and a half months after initial contact. That signature marked the beginning of an ending and actually kicked off the fights that occupied my mind. I suddenly got cold feet and doubted whether or not my decision to leave home was right.
I was afraid of letting go what I had, the comfort of home established by familiar faces that I cared about. But more than other, there was one particular person that I cared and was afraid of losing the most. She was the apple of my eye, whose occurrences at that time served as a buoy and helped me resurfaced from the depth of solitude inside my laptop. And exactly on that account, she became the other cause of those fights that happened inside my head.
She came into the company about a year before I resigned. It was about the same interval I knew that I liked her. With only one handshake she made me feel something again, whereas I had been searching for the longest of time for anyone who could. Thus it did not stop me when I encountered numerous barriers when trying to close the gap with her. The main ones were different beliefs, different ancestors, and her boyfriend. Through the odds, eventually we became close. The two of us went out a couple of times; each time I found chatting or talking to her was the most natural thing, just like water flowing down the stream lines. She told me everything, starting from her family matters, doubts, fears, failures, problems, dreams, personal goals in life, until deepest secrets. The kind of subjects she only shared with a handful of people in her life and I felt special. A few times I troubled my mind to find a suitable term for what we had at that time, but I was never sure that I found one. One thing I was sure about, that closeness and hope with her was going to end at the same time I had my last day, soon.
Friday, August 25th 2014 was my last day and a heartbreaking one. I intentionally got to work early so I could take a moment and closely looked at the empty surrounding. In seclusion I stood next to my cubicle and took several deep breaths. I thought to myself how I would miss that quarter for countless happy and sad experiences that had happened there. From there forward, the day went by so quickly and all of the sudden it was already the afternoon. I said my goodbyes to everyone I got in touch with and touched by for almost the last six years working at that company, but the last one was saved especially for her. Unfortunately, that night she needed to stay until late at the office because she was on a deadline with a job. I did not mind waiting with her because I would not have that kind of togetherness with her ever again after I left. And when she was done, I drove her home with grief culminated down my heart. It felt even harder to let her go. At last, my mind decided to give up from the fight bruises just a couple of hundred meters from her house. I let everything go along with the tears shed on her shoulder.
I learned that progress marched between a very thin line of sorrow and joy. And although it depended on me when to start, it did not wait for my readiness. Likewise what I went through on my first day at this new office. This morning I excitedly left the house to get to work, but apparently I had a problem adjusting myself to the current office culture. In here, the work environment and people interaction is totally different than before. Good mornings are as rare as good conversations. Everybody seems to dwell on work within the solitary of each cubicle fortress. Keyboard clacking and phone rings were the only sounds traveling in the air of sixty employee floor. I ducked my head and homesickness quickly swarmed my body. Thus during lunch I took the time to text-messaged a few close friends at the old workplace, including her. I made sure that those who care knew that I terribly missed them. Sadly, their warm replies reminded me about the doubts of changing workplace. Nevertheless, I am already here, and at the end of the day, there is no other way than letting time to prove it. Speaking of which, time to go home. Here is to personal growth, I am moving on!
I thought long and hard before these words are here. At first I had the original idea confused and spent some time trying various writing styles to make it special. Then again I realized that the idea itself was already exceptional, I want to describe all the beautiful things that I have discovered in you so far. Thus I settled my mind to make it as lucid as possible, just like you are to me.
You were uneasy, but I guess you should be naturally.
You were distant, because it was not going to be instant.
You were unlikeliness and I could not care less.
You were breached, with every short messages reached.
You were partnered and in disappointment I learned.
You are in mind when the day starts, and still there when the night departs.
You are a novelty that I comprehend aptly.
You are fashion that I hardly find in a dozen.
You are a scent to which I relent.
You are trivial, yet substantially original.
You are honesty aside from modesty.
You are intelligence that strongly influence.
You are opinion advising each hesitation.
You are a playlist who I do not know exist.
You are a friend who always attend.
You are a smile in times of disaster.
You are attention when I look for discussion.
You are all ears in times of fears.
You are endearment for the moment.
You are a chaos that I cannot loss.
You are my ardency for intimacy.
Hence, although I realize…
You are a prohibition, repeatedly being broken.
You are indecision that I cannot be certain.
You are love, but you are loved.
I am sure…
You are a feeling more than a fling.
Early this year I bought myself a motorcycle, an MV Agusta Brutale 675. It is an Italian ‘naked’ bike, specifically designed to penetrate city streets with wild characteristic high performance engine. Up to now, I have been riding it at least twice a week for more than two months. Each time I am on it, every engine start or first gear change is thrilling seconds that never fails to give a grin on the corner of my face.
A grin is a simple expression of joy and gratitude from this so-called personal accomplishment. For me, more than its big purchase, this bike is actually a small dream that took me a very long time to realize. It started when I was only a boy with influences from my dad and his six brothers. Every time they got together, I always heard stories of how they raced the city streets, went a date with girls, and got into an adventure with their Honda, Suzuki, or Yamaha. Those stories sat deep in my mind and inspired me to have my own adventure with motorcycles. Currently, I am blessed with a stable job and talent to save money. Eventually the end of 2012 was the moment where I thought I had enough savings and began to look for bikes that suited my dream.
There is a price that needs to be paid from making a dream come true and mine involved a huge sum. Despite being one of the actors of motivation, dad disagreed in me purchasing a big bike. He said that amount of money was better used to buy a car, or even better, made it as a down payment for a house of my own instead. I sensed mother felt the same way, but she did not say much, perhaps because her two-cents was already pointed out by dad. But I said to myself that this bike was a long-time desire and the time is now. So I made arguments and marched on over their critics. Yet at this point here today, I admit that they were right!
I do smile on every engine start or gear change, but most definitely I also frown when passing through Jakarta’s traffic. I specifically chose ‘naked’ bike for its agility, however it is still a big bike that is very challenging to navigate through the small gaps between cars. Not to mention intense heat coming from the radiator. Imagine a car engine; sit on it and holster your two legs on its sides when running. Yes it is that hot! Hence it is common to soak my t-shirt with sweat when riding. Maintenance is another problem. What can I say, with great power (or in this case performance) comes great responsibility. The other day a friend took it for a test ride; he could not balance the bike when taking a U-turn and fell slowly to the left. As a result, the clutch was bent and the left end of the handlebar was also heavily scratched. I decided to change those two items and was charged six hundred thousand Rupiahs in total. So I thought of insuring the bike to prevent paying more huge bills like it again in the future, but the annual cover calculation was almost twelve times bigger and I was not ready to suffer another significant loss from my bank’s balance.
It is not the bike’s fault. I was the one financially not ready with the consequences of owning a big bike. At least now I know that my timing in buying a big bike is incorrect. Yet, I did not regret this mistake. I am actually quite proud. Not many can say that they have the guts to make their wildest dream come true, but I did. There will be time to sell this small dream and give way for bigger ones that I have not been able to fulfill, but for now, I guess I will take the bike out and let some adrenaline kicks-in. vroom!
Today I realize that in the past few weeks I have been making visits to the past. Somewhat a similar story is reappearing with a different cast. Unfortunately, at that time it did not end very well for me. I misinterpreted and ignored things that had happened in front of my two eyes. Although I knew from the start that she was a long-stretch, I decided to ignore my hunch and made a go for her anyway. In the end, thousands of kilometers in the neighboring country, I found out that she had already chosen the other guy. She was never mine.
It was absolutely unpleasant! That is how memories are logged-in in my head, very bitter or sweet, as simple as that. And I guess we humans are supposed to learn from our past. Nevertheless, frankly speaking it is difficult to ignore you. I considered you special since the first day we became friends. You carried yourself in a way that I could not escape. Accordingly, I made efforts to get to know you better and along those times you pulled me in further with your brilliant arguments. The conclusion was crystal clear; your wit was stronger than skin-deep beauty. It was so easy for you to make every subject, even the most boring ones, very exciting to be discussed. I hate you for it up until now. It makes me think none other than to endeavor all sort of discussion with you and start missing you when you are not there to be found. In short, you are the headline of my thoughts and whatnot is insignificant. Sadly, this rational is our biggest parity. Whereas in your case what is insignificant is my company and whatnot is the headline of your thoughts. I am smart enough to just walk away and save my dignity. Ridiculously I keep on thinking about the possibilities of having you more than a friend and disregarding warnings from history.
Mere history is not the only thing that is standing between you and me, the present also holds potential problem. To add complexity to the matter, I am adding your current boyfriend into the equation, who makes the formula becoming inappropriate. I know how it feels to have someone you care being unfaithful, yet here I am as the perpetrator. For me it does not feel right! But as much as I despise it, in terms of right and wrong, honestly I feel like I have repeatedly been wronged by other players in this game since a long time ago. Hence the way we reach the finish line is not key, it is finishing itself that is. So in a way, perhaps this is self-justification, but I think this virtue needs to be fight for. I have to, because even the slightest brink of love is golden. And happen to be, that gold-ish shine radiates from you and the hypothesis of us.
Like any other theory, this hypothesis of us only comes up with two kinds of answer. Truly I want it to be true, but false is forever on the opposite. I will take my chances in cheating the past and bend my own rules. I hope that is exactly what you see every time you see me try. Thus upon it you will slowly open yourself to me and let me in. Because I promise, even if I am wrong, we can be truly false together.
What we had between us was hard to explain, although it is now history but I surely know that it is something I want to remember. Your irreplaceable care and understanding for me during our togetherness were beyond amazing. Even after I said that we were over, you still kept it up by saying that you were going to be alright, because time would heal. Heal the wound that I caused you, spoken through hints of tears and sad voice that followed my closure. Writing is my consolation and I hope yours is in reading, because you are an inspiration and this is my memoir about us.
Do you remember your first day at school? That is the kind of anxiety that I get when meeting lots of new people all at once. Like the one I had two years ago when I decided to join a social service organized by our friend. You, on the contrary seemed like the one who knew everyone and got along just fine. Hence, you were amongst the first whose hand I shook and be acquainted with. And it did not take long for me to learn that you were smart and carefree, because they were as obvious as the sun. You carried those two qualities until the end of the occasion and we parted ways. Come to think it again now, it was those attitudes that set you apart from the group and made me remember you. Including when we met again at our friend’s house for 2012/2013 new year eve party.
Drink! Drink! Drink! That was the last thing I remember. It is funny how an easy new year gathering involved bottles of hard liquor. Accordingly, I was wasted and woke up with a massive hung over the next morning. My friends waited for you to leave before giving me a weird look; then they told me that you moved me to the sofa when I almost spent the night sleeping drunk under the sink. I responded coldly and said it was nothing. But I took a mental note; it was the first time you brought me under your care.
One morning three months later, based on simple means but good intentions, I tweeted you birthday wishes, and expected nothing but for you to read them. I was thinking you were being nice to me and it was appropriate to send them wishes. Eventually, you replied with a message and we exchanged mobile numbers instead. Since then, my cellphone that was usually quiet often rang to your incoming message. We talked almost about everything, from cheesy jokes to private matters, and even about closest family. It all happened effortlessly, just like two best-friends who met again after a very long time. I think it was because we managed to let go the burden of hope. Thus, frequently my questions were improper, my answers were absurd, and my statements were tenuous. Hilariously, you responded with even more crazy stuffs, exceeded by far than mine. That was the first time where I found myself being plainly honest with someone.
We began to plan our first date. First, we needed to set the day and date, a cool hang out place, and a good movie. Next, I chose matching attires to impress, something casual but demanded a second look. Then, I got my playlist ready on my iPod nano, just in case I ran out of topic when driving from and to your home. Finally, I asked for your address so I could pick you up like a real fancy date. And it was all perfect with your company. When I was with you, my hand was yours to hold, my body was yours to squeeze, and my lips were yours to kiss. You made me feel exceptionally useful; this was the reason why I liked you. Another thing that I also liked was how your eyes lighted up when you talked about Star Trek; something that you really love. And I was delighted to see that you talked to me in the same manner.
As our fondness for each other’s company grew stronger, likewise your curiosity on the degree of our relationship. The next weekend after we had our first date, you texted me saying that you needed to talk. Thus, on the phone you popped the question whether we were exclusively together. With everything that had happened between us, I actually had a hunch that you were going to ask about that subject exactly. However, the one thing I forgot was to be prepared with the answer. Therefore, I talked in a slow pace, tried to buy some time, and figured out an answer. “Likewise,” after a brief pause, “I am not seeing anyone else and exclusive to you. So we are together.” Since then we were officially a couple.
No celebration followed my new status, even though being in a relationship was something that I wanted the most for years. I ended our phone call and sat alone on one of the chairs in my family dining room. There I was, could not stop thinking about what I had just told you. I admit that it was a spontaneous response and I was not supposed to say that we were exclusively together, because I had not finished figuring out how to cope with our differences. First, we came from a different root of people. And second, we had different ways in worshiping God. These two were considered fundamental according to my parents. While my parents possessed great importance to me, hence their thinking and action would affect mine. I wish I could withdraw my statement.
These doubts stayed and did not leave. It bothered me the most when we had a romantic 4-day and 3-night getaway to Bali with several of your best-friends. You were constantly with me and I was sure that you could see it in my face. Occasionally you found me busy with my own thinking while looking outside through the glass window of our car, or stood still with empty eyes when in front of us was a very exquisite beach. Hence you asked me what was troubling my mind and I only replied with a loud silence. I continuously kept those thinking to myself because I did not want to ruin our holiday, but in fact, what I did was exactly the opposite.
Perhaps I ‘accidentally’ got into this relationship by answering your question with premature thinking, nevertheless I was intentionally grateful. I enjoyed being with you. A place where I found comfort, who insisted to listen when I was incapable of saying anything, whom shoulder sustained me when I was weary, and someone to care who also deeply cared about me. In short, I was loved! On the other hand, I also accepted my parents for who they were and I respected their request for it was nothing to bargain. I realized that I was torn apart between us and my family. Those mixed feelings created chaos in my mind and my rash solution for some peace was to end our relationship. I planned to tell you a week after we came back from Bali, because I thought a week would give me enough time to come up with a line that sounded sane enough for you to listen and accept.
In breaking the news, I did not want to offend you. It was utterly important for me to say my reasons correctly, because bad break up was evermore the last thing I need. In that order, nobody knew you like your best friend; he was the one introduced me to you two years ago. So I called and arranged a consultation to hear what he had to say about my intention. We met in a fast food restaurant close-by from his office. I finished my dinner then opened the discussion by telling him what I was experiencing, and closed it with several points that I organized to say when I met you on the next weekend.
“So that is my reasons, I need a solution!” I ended my explanation.
“Oh you are wrong, you will not hear a solution coming from me.” he responded calmly.
I frowned and asked for an explanation, “How do you mean?”
“You are the only one who knows what is best for you two.” he answered. “And I understand your reasons. But tell me this, if your parents were not in between of you two, how do you feel about her?”
By the look of his face, I knew he got me thinking. Then he continued, “Have you even told her about what you are experiencing?” He threw me another question and sealed my mouth to silence.
When that meeting was finally over, I went home with more questions than before. But I thanked him for making two excellent arguments to consider; one, I needed to share you the inner conflict than I was dealing with, since keeping you in the dark any longer would not do any good; and two, only I knew exactly what my true feelings for you were and it was essential for me to find what it was.
That weekend I did meet you, but it was not to say that we were over. I met you to explain everything that I felt about us and also about the battle that continuously went on inside me. Surprisingly, you understood my situation very well, because you were also experiencing the same conflict with your parents. Apparently, they shared the same difference with mine, whereas it was important for them that you were with someone who was in the same circle of people and belief. The difference between you and me was the way we coped with our situation. You managed to put it all aside and lived the moment, while I was anchored and slowly drowned from thinking it all the time. I did not expect that you were also experiencing similar situation. Nevertheless, it was such a huge relief to know that I was not the only one fighting. It also felt like a significant amount of burden was lifted from my shoulder after I shared you my problems. A slight peace of mind gave room for clearer thoughts to surface. Your way of thinking inspired me not to give up on us yet, because I had not given my best shot into our relationship and I did not want to find myself regretting it in the future. Once again I found myself falling under your care and I reconsidered my decision to break up with you.
The following week I promised to try harder and my early attempt was to adopt your way of thinking. I focused on the present and let life took its course. By doing so, I was hoping that I could treat you better, be truly there when I was with you, fancied you more than my thoughts, and loved you only for who you were. But changing mindset is always hard; I struggled in applying this new belief at first, yet with lots of practice I finally made it. However, the result was not as expected, none of my objectives were achieved. Moreover, the longer we were together, the further I found myself drifted away from you. I let it went on up until a point where we had no communication for two days. Strangely, at that time I did not inquire or feel anything about you. That situation really urged me to carefully look at the kind of emotion that I had built with you thus far.
So I asked myself how I truly felt about you. I remembered that it was one of the questions I failed to answer during my session with your best-friend the other day. In finding the answer, he advised me to tell you about it and do it on my own without your assistance or interference. Since he was proven right on his first argument, I thought it was a good idea to follow his recommendation once more. Happened to be, after that two days of silence, you texted me to ask for a phone call on the third. Naturally, you called to say that you were angry because I did not maintain communication with you, yet I was ready to take the blame. Besides, I had the urgency to tell you about my intention. In contrast to my prediction, you called to share me about the delicate situation you were dealing with your mom. For that reason, it was not an ideal period to cut off communication between us, but I considered postponement was not an option. I had to do it for us! After that call, I spent the next three days revisited all of our milestones. Each of them was initiated by you, whilst I willingly followed your lead. When we became exclusive, it was too soon. I forced myself to feel something that I did not feel, but it did not pull through. So I freaked out! In amidst panic, I put my parents as a shield and used their concerns as a way out, because I was too cowardly to admit the truth. I had no expectation for us to end up together and my love for you stopped growing when we were close friends.
One and a half months, I lied to you long enough. The next morning, I unenthusiastically reached my phone to send a message inquiring your schedule. Fifteen minutes went by, also an hour. Since then, I nervously checked my phone every five minutes to see your reply. When it did beeped, an e-mail came through, but it was about work. False alarm! In the end, you replied my message around noon saying that you already planned to see Pacific Rim with several friends later on that afternoon. I pleaded to see you after the movie, because I had something to say. You responded with only two letters confirming us to meet that night. For a while I reexamined that last okay from you, and eventually the whole conversation that we had that morning. Call me overanalyzing, but every line from you showed traces of anger. My head was stirred. I convinced myself not to back out and used the time I had left to organize both words and settings.
When we were alone at last, it was already quite late. Time to take you home and I was driving. Raindrops heavily showered the windshield of my car. The streets were all wet and they beautifully reflected lights from the skyscrapers along Sudirman. Outside was too cold, even for someone wearing a thick jacket covering the length of its upper body. I was not looking for romantic and it was too much. So I gripped the steering wheel tighter and held my elbow firmer. The lines that I had prepared seemed stuck on my throat. I broke the ice and commented about the weather. Then I turned on the radio to neutralize some of the discouraging atmosphere. Turned out to be, the playlist were all the best contemporary heart-broken love songs. I was in so much stress. Especially when I reminisced a specific moment earlier that night when you said that I made you felt worthless because I was not giving you a clear explanation when I disappeared along the previous three days. But the worst was yet to come; you then told me that you loved me. That felt like driving into a bus with full speed. Eventually, we arrived at your house, there was no time left. You gave me our customary goodbye kiss and turned to reach the door handle. I pulled your arm and told you that I needed to talk. Cautiously started with the prologue, elaborated my reasons, and then concluded by asking your forgiveness for I could not return the same love condition that you were giving me. You shrugged your shoulders in tears, but did not seem surprised. I guessed the symptoms were too apparent. From the beginning of our relationship, falling for me was never in your agenda, but it happened after all. I wrapped my arms around your precious body for one last time, tighter and tighter. There was nothing I could do more to comfort you. We separated along with the closing gate of your house and reached the end.
For me, the end is the beginning; a point where I revisit everything that we had shared up until the day we broke up. Almost everything is captured here to remember. However, of course there are several things that I missed, because they are meant to be shared only between you and me, or simply because I am a forgetful being. Above all, I want you to know that not a second in my life I regret being with you. I will not be missing our customary together if the case is the opposite. Moreover, the experience and emotional commotion that I went through when we were together was a valuable opportunity to grow up mentally and physically. In which, you helped a lot by giving so much love, care, and understanding that made me lasted through the end. Sometime around, I have faith that you will be up and running like you used to, because you are a strong and independent woman. I wish you all the best; for that is what you are worth, so do not settle for less. And likewise you told me on the last night I saw you, you will have a place in my heart.
It is like having a tattoo!
That first second when the needle touched your skin; you are stunned, surprised, and wondered how you could let yourself to feel such torture. But then again it was you who sorted the candidates, found the ‘accomplice’, and made all the arrangements. So there was no escaping and all you could do was just sat tight while uncertainty underwent your mind. The next minute, you began to doubt yourself whether you were making the right decision; that same thought ran through your mind like a never ending film-reel. You tried everything to avert yourself from the agony; alas, the needle was not acquainted with your emotions. It kept stroking back and forth cutting you like a hot knife through butter. Until after a period of time that felt like forever, you knew that it was over. You were tired and suffered from the process; nevertheless, you were relieved and anxious to get out. You took your time, slowly healed the bruises according to your own recovery pace; a very personal phase which length was only yourself to define. Hence, while defining your length, you tried to look okay in front of many, yet in solitude you repeatedly saw your scars and be reminded of how painful it was. When eventually all the aching and bruising subsided, you could see that what was once damaged was transforming into something amazing; something that was according to plan. And sometimes you even had the wisdom to say that it was all worthy; from there forward everything went downhill.
You were back to your routines, but this time you were better. At some point you realized you were not the same man as you were once before. Your judgment and perspective about it had changed; vis-à-vis people towards you. Either astonishment or despisement, you seemed unbothered because you knew that they were not you and you were the one attached to it for life. Everything is once more alright and for an undefined amount of time you were content. Down those times you were enjoying yourself, progressing at work or anything that you do, and subconsciously reaching the last stages of recovery. And it came to full circle when you are ready to have another. As agonizing as it is, we keep coming back for more, don’t we?!
I think most of us easily relate with the description above, either analogy or literally. I happened to have experienced both meanings and I consider it as a privilege. Given the two circumstances gave me a lot of opportunity to grow mentally and physically. Moreover, it is an inevitable part of my life that made me here today. However, I am not implying any other similarity than the experience; nor getting a tattoo or your heart broken to understand my point. Everyone should find an analogy to help understand what life is all about and eventually grow to your understanding, to be better or worse, anyhow life is treating you. Just give it a real thinking, it may be the answer you are looking for.